A quick note.

And with the past firmly tucked under tongue she discovered a way unseen by those who came before
A path hidden by a tree with long branches  In the wood
She captured the thumping of her heart in her hand, calming her senses and struggling for courage
It was a dance she knew
A perfect ballet preordained with movements precise
But to break free of the chorus she must only see
With eyes wide open that which lay askew
A twig snapped, a leaf fallen, a print left in the snow
Some had come here before
Each step is not measured by one’s hope but in strength eternal and stretched like an endless stream
It twists and it turns on itself and it keeps one hidden from the truth that can only be found when one faces
Reality with brutal and true recognition
There is no control
There is only freedom
To take each step and move with a determination certain of one’s direction
The die is not cast like a gambler’s crutch
There is more
Within the shadows and outside of blacks and whites
There is more
To capture this one might find a freedom braver than the laugh of the crone, the jester, or the ghost
For they were blind
Too blind to see that with the act of surrender to ones deepest desires
Set within vines and thorns and pain there can be a truth
More certain than the ideal.
More certain than the girl herself
It is not of hope that bridges are built and walls torn
But of knowing that with ones own hands
A temple may be built
If only an internal sanctuary.

And so it is.... And so it was...

Arriving home from over four feet of snow in Philadelphia left a cold dampness within me. And though by my own calculations the show was a success as with all of life's lessons I found myself reflecting on the past week...

I do not mind reflecting and reviewing the details of any event to find a kernal of knowledge that may make me stronger moving forward but I must admit lately I do this with a sense of exhaustion. At times I look back and wish with all my heart that the lessons could be fewer and further a part. Yet, I find myself content in knowing that as long as there is something to learn there is always more to achieve.

I believe that in this last six months I have lost a part of myself. Looking to balance one's business self with their artistic self can be a dangerous passage and one must not lose either part when venturing out. I have felt myself losing sight of my ultimate goal and trying to determine what others need or want from me leaving me positioned on a plane of unawareness. At last I discovered that "they" do not want the part of me that is trying to be something I am not. This is wonderful and is giving me permission to go back to my true self. Hopefully a lesson I can learn once.

In order to move forward with anything we first must know who we are. This is perhaps my mistake in constantly second guessing myself and constantly trying to be something I simply am not. With this lesson I am firmly planting my feet in the ground and realizing what I am and what I have to offer. There is a balance in this and one I must learn to find comfort in. I am prepared for the next stage of self awareness that will position me as a whole instead of a part.

I am tired of being afraid. Tired of wondering if I am going down the right path or if the path I choose to take will be met with success. I am so tired....... and permission to let go of this other part and to stop trying so hard is welcome at this point. We are who we are. We cannot be something different and if we wander down the path a part from ourselves for too long we may lose sight of the path all together. So with a great effort I am trudging back to the place where I started and taking notice of that which led me astray. I am my best when I am myself.

The sun has chosen to greet me today and I feel a sense of wonderment at the beautiful day that has arrived. It feels like everything will be o.k. and that there is no reason to fret. Don't you wish you could capture the sense of awe and bottle it for later? It is my intention to capture this day in words so i can remind myself later when I get torn and conflicted.  Spring is coming and there will be long golden days to bring warmth and smiles and perhaps is is only the long hard winter that has made me lose sight.