I do not mind reflecting and reviewing the details of any event to find a kernal of knowledge that may make me stronger moving forward but I must admit lately I do this with a sense of exhaustion. At times I look back and wish with all my heart that the lessons could be fewer and further a part. Yet, I find myself content in knowing that as long as there is something to learn there is always more to achieve.
I believe that in this last six months I have lost a part of myself. Looking to balance one's business self with their artistic self can be a dangerous passage and one must not lose either part when venturing out. I have felt myself losing sight of my ultimate goal and trying to determine what others need or want from me leaving me positioned on a plane of unawareness. At last I discovered that "they" do not want the part of me that is trying to be something I am not. This is wonderful and is giving me permission to go back to my true self. Hopefully a lesson I can learn once.
In order to move forward with anything we first must know who we are. This is perhaps my mistake in constantly second guessing myself and constantly trying to be something I simply am not. With this lesson I am firmly planting my feet in the ground and realizing what I am and what I have to offer. There is a balance in this and one I must learn to find comfort in. I am prepared for the next stage of self awareness that will position me as a whole instead of a part.
I am tired of being afraid. Tired of wondering if I am going down the right path or if the path I choose to take will be met with success. I am so tired....... and permission to let go of this other part and to stop trying so hard is welcome at this point. We are who we are. We cannot be something different and if we wander down the path a part from ourselves for too long we may lose sight of the path all together. So with a great effort I am trudging back to the place where I started and taking notice of that which led me astray. I am my best when I am myself.
The sun has chosen to greet me today and I feel a sense of wonderment at the beautiful day that has arrived. It feels like everything will be o.k. and that there is no reason to fret. Don't you wish you could capture the sense of awe and bottle it for later? It is my intention to capture this day in words so i can remind myself later when I get torn and conflicted. Spring is coming and there will be long golden days to bring warmth and smiles and perhaps is is only the long hard winter that has made me lose sight.
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2 comments:
What a wonderful post. It is easy to lose sight of who you are when you try to combine it with what other people want...and then you find out that what people want is for you to be you. Just like you said, self awareness is a journey and I think sometimes we just get off track. I know, it is a vicious cycle...one that I struggle with too. It sounds like you are coming out of 'the funk' though and I am glad for you! Be you...that is what brings people to your blog and why we all love your beautiful jewelry...it is all part of you! Spring and sunny days are ahead! :)
For those of us who love your work, your poetry and your blog, we recognize that you need time to be centered and to be yourself. Give yourself permission to find the path that opens your heart to you. It is that which endears you to others.
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